Understanding the Mental Load Women Carry: A Closer Look at the Burden on Mothers

Two things can be true at once: motherhood is one of life’s deepest joys and it’s also exhausting, relentless, and at times unjoyful. There, we said it. The elephant in the room.

At the heart of this paradox lies an invisible force many women know too well: the mental load. It’s the quiet, constant juggling act of managing family logistics, emotional needs, and the endless decisions that keep a household running—and is often the cause of those unjoyful moments. The mental load women carry shapes not only our days, but also our sense of self and how we experience motherhood.

In this piece, we’ll explore the mental burden of motherhood: where it comes from, how it impacts families, and what it looks like to finally rebalance the scales—at home and beyond.

Defining the Mental Load 

The mental load is a term often discussed in the space of family dynamics, but its profound implications reach far beyond the home. This invisible load encompasses the emotional and mental labor, planning, and organization needed to maintain a household, family, and personal life.

While not exclusive to mothers, statistics reveal that women disproportionately bear the mental burden. According to one study, women 18 to 24 spend about twice the amount of time on household work as men their age. They do 8 hours of household work per week compared to just 3.8 hours for men.

The Significance of Exploring the Mental Load Women Experience

The mental load is not just a household issue; it is a societal challenge. Unpacking its significance will reveal why we as mothers—and as a society—need to urgently address it with sustainable solutions. 

Women, the primary bearers of this burden, often struggle to strike a balance between personal, professional, and familial obligations. This relentless juggling act is emotionally and physically taxing, leading to burnout, strained relationships, and long-term health issues. For instance, mental load is one of the primary causes of depression which is twice as common in women compared to men. 

🤝 You’re not alone. The mental load women experience is no walk in the park. Explore how Hello, Nanny! can help you find the right support to lighten your mental load.

The Origins and Evolution of Mental Load: Where Did the Mental Load Come From?

The mental load women carry today didn’t just appear. Our mental burden has been inherited, shaped by generations of mothers who quietly kept the wheels of family life turning. As society evolved, expectations didn’t always keep pace. Women entered the workforce, but the balance at home rarely shifted. Understanding where this began is the first step toward change.

Historical Context: How Gender Roles Shaped the Mental Load

For generations, women have carried the invisible work of keeping families and households running. In the 17th and 18th centuries, societal norms placed women almost exclusively in the roles of caregivers and homemakers, the quiet managers of daily life. As we entered more modern times in the latter part of the 20th century, those expectations began to shift as more women entered the workforce, but the balance of responsibilities at home rarely followed.

The result? A double shift that still echoes today. Even as women gained economic and professional power, they continued to shoulder the emotional and mental labor of family life, from remembering the appointments, planning the meals, and anticipating everyone’s needs. These historical patterns didn’t just disappear; they evolved. And they continue to shape how we talk about—and experience—the mental load women carry in modern motherhood.

Modern Shifts: Balancing Work, Family, and Personal Life

By the mid-20th century, waves of feminism had begun to reshape what was possible for women. The movements of the 1960s and 70s opened doors to education, careers, and long-overdue autonomy. For the first time, women were encouraged to dream beyond the home.

But these new dreams brought new complexity. As women stepped fully into the workforce, the domestic expectations didn’t fade—they multiplied. The modern mother became the CEO of home life and an active participant in the professional world, managing a “second shift” of invisible labor after the workday ended. 

Factors Contributing to the Mental Load Women Face

We know that the mental load didn’t appear out of nowhere. It evolved and is shaped by a mix of cultural conditioning, invisible labor, and systemic imbalance. Here are the biggest forces fueling the overwhelm.

Societal Expectations and Norms

Even as gender roles evolve, society still sends women mixed messages: be ambitious, but stay available; build a career, but make it look effortless at home. The pressure to “do it all” and “do it well” is deeply ingrained, often leaving women feeling like they’re falling short no matter how much they give. It’s an impossible equation that demands rewriting.

Unequal Division of Household and Caregiving Tasks

Despite progress toward equality, women still carry the majority of household and caregiving responsibilities. They’re the ones remembering the dentist appointment, replacing the outgrown soccer cleats, planning meals, and managing the emotional temperature of the household. This invisible labor, while often dismissed as “small stuff,” adds up to significant mental strain and emotional exhaustion and too often, it goes unseen and unacknowledged.

Career Aspirations and Professional Challenges

For many women, professional ambition coexists with the weight of invisible labor—and that balance can feel impossible. “Millennial moms are stepping into spaces that many of their mothers were unable to take advantage of, often feeling like they have a lot to prove and lose on this mission,” confirms Hello Nanny! Expert, Dr. Nicole Kumi, PhD, PMH-C and CEO and Co-Founder of The Whole Mom. 

Further, research from Pew shows that despite educational parity and achievement, women remain underrepresented in high-paying occupations. The reasons are layered: persistent gender bias, disproportionate caregiving duties, and the expectation that women will somehow absorb it all. As Harvard Business Review reports, this constant juggling act highlights the challenges women face in maintaining their professional ambitions while managing the mental load. It threatens career growth and chips away at confidence and well-being.

Exploring the Impact on Women’s Well-being

Understanding what contributes to the mental load in women is crucial, but what’s its impact on women’s well-being? 

Stress, Anxiety, and Burnout

The constant juggling act that comes with the mental load takes a toll on women’s mental health. Stress and anxiety are common consequences, potentially leading to burnout. According to a survey by the American Medical Association, the gender gap when it comes to burnout is significant with nearly 55% of women feeling burnout, compared to 42% of men. 

Emotional Toll and Relationship Dynamics

The mental work often strains relationships, leading to frustration, resentment, and emotional disconnection. Motherly’s State of Motherhood survey report found that the majority of parents (61%) say that the grind of daily family planning has led to decreased time with their partner, and 47% admit they’ve had less or worse sex because of the associated stress. The toll on women’s emotional well-being is palpable. 

Health Implications: Physical and Mental

The stress induced by the mental load can lead to long-term health implications, affecting women’s physical and mental health. Chronic stress is linked to heart disease, diabetes, and mental health disorders. Addressing the mental load is not just about equality; it’s about safeguarding the health of women.

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The Intersection of Cultural and Social Influences

Moving beyond individual experiences, how do cultural and social influences shape the perception of the mental load?

Cultural Variation in Mental Load

The mental load isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept; it varies significantly across cultures due to the influence of societal expectations and values. In some cultures, there may be a more equitable distribution of domestic responsibilities, while in others, traditional gender roles persist. Statistics from the World Economic Forum show that countries like Sweden, Norway, and Iceland have made substantial progress in reducing the gender gap in household chores, while countries like India and Saudi Arabia still struggle with a stark imbalance.

Media’s Role in Shaping Perceptions and Expectations

The media has an undeniably influential role in shaping our perceptions and expectations regarding motherhood and gender roles. The portrayal of women in the media often reinforces traditional stereotypes, which can be detrimental to the progress of gender equality. 

Media outlets must shift their narrative and better represent the evolving roles and responsibilities of women in society. Prominent public figures and organizations, like Emma Watson’s “HeForShe” campaign and the #SeeHer movement, have been advocating for more inclusive and empowering representations of women in the media. By showcasing women who balance careers, family, and self-care, the media can encourage a broader acceptance of diverse gender roles.

We want to note that there has been progress in recent years. 2019 was the first year that saw just as many female lead characters in family films as male lead characters, according to Geena Davis Institute. Compare that to 2007 when only 24% of family films featured female characters in lead roles

As television shows, movies and advertisements start to better portray men actively participating in domestic responsibilities, they send a powerful message that challenges traditional gender norms. These positive portrayals help normalize shared responsibilities and promote the idea that caregiving and household tasks are not confined to any one gender.

Related: Hiring a Nanny? Here’s What You Need to Know

Navigating Relationships and the Mental Load: Partner Dynamics

If the mental load is the invisible work that keeps households running, then relationships are often where it’s most acutely felt. Who’s keeping track of the pediatrician appointments? The birthday gifts? The school emails that seem to come in daily? Hint: there’s usually one default parent. And, when the mental and emotional labor isn’t shared equitably, resentment and burnout can quietly take root.

Communication Patterns

Addressing the mental load starts with naming it and that begins with honest communication. Partners need to talk not just about who does what, but how it feels to carry the mental weight of remembering, planning, and anticipating everyone’s needs.

Eve Rodsky of The Fair Play method helps couples visualize and redistribute responsibilities more equitably. She emphasizes that fairness isn’t about a 50/50 split, but about clarity, respect, and accountability.

One practical way to begin this dialogue is through regular “family check-ins.” Think of them as brief weekly or biweekly meetings (or standups on Sundays) where both partners discuss what’s working, what’s not, and what’s coming up. This creates a safe, structured space to identify imbalances before they turn into resentment.

Related: The Default Parent Dilemma: Why Moms Carry the Maternal Mental Load (& How to Change It)

Shifting Toward Equal Partnerships

Equality at home doesn’t happen by accident or overnight. It’s a process that requires intention and dedication. The Fair Play method calls for couples to identify every household and caregiving task (yes, even the invisible ones) and then consciously “deal” them out, ensuring each person fully owns their share from conception to completion.

Rather than relying on outdated assumptions—like who’s “naturally better” at multitasking—couples can distribute tasks based on individual strengths, preferences, or bandwidth in a given season. 

Digital tools can also help create structure. Apps like Maple or Fair Play Life translate the concept into practical action, helping partners visualize and divide household labor more clearly. These platforms make the invisible visible—turning “I’ll help” into “I’ve got this.”

Here are a few additional strategies to help couples shift toward equal partnerships:

1. Shared Responsibility: Both partners should acknowledge the importance of shared responsibility and agree to contribute equally to domestic tasks. This involves a mutual commitment to address imbalances.
2. Task Delegation: Partners can take on tasks that they excel at or enjoy, and they can delegate or share other responsibilities as necessary. For example, one partner might handle cooking while the other manages finances.
3. Equal Emotional Labor: Emotional labor, such as remembering important dates, can also be shared. Creating shared calendars and to-do lists can help distribute this responsibility more evenly.
4. Flexibility: Recognize that life is dynamic, and there will be times when one partner may need to take on more due to work commitments or personal reasons. The key is a mutual understanding and willingness to support each other when needed.
5. Regular Check-Ins: Schedule regular check-ins to assess the distribution of tasks and adjust as necessary. These discussions should include emotional aspects as well, addressing any stress or burnout either partner may be experiencing.
6. Supportive Environment: Both partners should actively support each other in their endeavors, whether it’s career advancement or personal growth. Encourage and celebrate each other’s successes and provide emotional support during challenging times.

Related: Why More Families Than Ever Are Turning to Family Assistants to Lighten the Load

The Mental Load of Motherhood

The mental load for mothers is a multifaceted responsibility that extends beyond the daily chores. It encompasses the emotional labor, organizational duties, and constant thinking required to prevent a messy house while simultaneously tending to children.

Prevalence of Mental Load Among Mothers

With heterosexual couples, a significant majority of mothers bear the brunt of the mental load. According to a study by the Pew Research Center, a staggering 86% of mothers with children under the age of 18 report feeling rushed in their daily lives. This feeling of being constantly hurried is a testament to the unceasing demands mothers face, which often lead to heightened stress levels and emotional exhaustion. 

Balancing Childcare, Work, and Self-care

The challenge for mothers goes beyond the relentless pace of our daily lives. The drive to ‘balance it all’ (or at the very least attempt to) is a daily struggle that underscores the importance of recognizing and addressing the mental load. Just like on an airplane, mothers must secure our oxygen masks before helping others. But, we all know that’s easier said than done. 

🤝 Feel overwhelmed but don’t know where to start? Chat with our team to figure out exactly what type of support you need to help lighten your load. 

How to Reduce the Mental Load: Tools and Coping Mechanisms

Understanding the mental load is only half the battle. The next step is learning how to manage it in a way that supports your well-being and your family’s rhythm. While we can’t eliminate every source of invisible labor, we can create systems, boundaries, and habits that make the daily juggle feel more sustainable.

Related: Having a Nanny When You Work from Home: Tips to Make It Work

Time Management That Actually Works for Moms

Time management isn’t about squeezing more into an already full day. Instead, effective time management is about prioritizing what really matters and protecting your energy because reclaiming your time starts with intention, not perfection. Here are a few strategies that can help lighten the cognitive load and bring more calm to the chaos:

1. Prioritization and Name Your Non-Negotiables: Begin by identifying your most important tasks and priorities. Tools like the Eisenhower Matrix can help you categorize tasks into four quadrants based on their urgency and importance, allowing you to focus on what truly matters. (Hint: we also think relying on The Fair Play Method to help lay out ALL of your tasks is a good place to start). 
2. Time Blocking: Allocate specific blocks of time for different tasks, whether it’s work, childcare, or personal activities. Tools like digital calendars, such as Google Calendar or physical planners, can help you visualize your day and allocate time accordingly.
3. To-Do Lists: Create daily or weekly to-do lists to organize your tasks. Tools like digital task management apps (e.g., Todoist, Asana), digital calendars like Skylight or traditional pen-and-paper lists can help with keeping track of your responsibilities.
4. Batching: Group similar tasks together and complete them in one go. For instance, designate a specific time for responding to emails, handling all the chores, or working on projects. This minimizes context-switching and boosts efficiency.
5. Setting Boundaries: Clearly define your work hours, personal time, and downtime. Communicate these boundaries to your family, colleagues, and friends to ensure you have the space you need to focus on various responsibilities. It’s truly ok to say no. In fact, saying no means you’re successfully enforcing your boundaries. 
6. Build in Buffer Time: Stop scheduling yourself to the minute. Add breathing room between commitments to reduce decision fatigue and make space for life’s inevitable curveballs.

The Benefits of Delegating Tasks and Seeking Support

No one should carry this burden alone, and working with a nanny, a partner who splits duties 50/50 or a family assistant can be a solution to lighten the load for good.

A nanny is a trained professional who specializes in providing child care and often offers valuable support in household tasks. By enlisting the help of a nanny, you can achieve the following benefits:

1. Childcare: A nanny can take on childcare responsibilities, ensuring your children receive quality care, educational stimulation, and emotional support.
2. Household Tasks: Nannies/household managers are often skilled in performing household tasks, such as cooking, cleaning, and laundry. This support can free you from the constant demands of domestic responsibilities.
3. Flexible Schedules: Nannies can adapt to your specific needs, offering support during working hours, evenings, or weekends, depending on your requirements.
4. Personal Time: With a nanny handling childcare and household tasks, you gain precious personal time. This time can be used for work, self-care, pursuing personal interests, or simply enjoying moments of relaxation.
5. Reduced Stress: By sharing the responsibilities with a nanny, you can significantly reduce stress and the emotional toll that often accompanies the mental load.

Related: How to Pick a Nanny: 8 Types You Need to Know

The Mental Load Women Face Daily: Final Thoughts 

The mental load isn’t just a buzzword that we use flippantly to describe our stress. The mental load is very real and it’s the unseen weight women carry every day. From remembering doctor’s appointments to planning meals and managing emotional needs, the mental load is the running list that never seems to end. This invisible labor has deep historical roots, but awareness is changing the narrative. When we name it, we can begin to share it.

Real progress starts with small, intentional steps: talking openly with our partners, advocating for better workplace policies, and raising the next generation to value equity at home as much as in the boardroom.

At Hello, Nanny!, we believe care work is real work—and that families thrive when mothers aren’t carrying it all alone. By creating systems of support, building trust with caregivers, and encouraging shared responsibility, we can begin to lighten the load together.

🤝 Explore how Hello, Nanny! can help you find the right childcare support to lighten your mental load.

FAQ Section: The Mental Load Women Carry

1. What is the mental load women experience?

The mental load refers to the invisible, ongoing responsibility of managing a household and family life—planning, anticipating needs, and keeping everything running smoothly. For women, this often means carrying the emotional, logistical, and cognitive labor of family life, even when tasks are shared.

2. Why do women carry more of the mental load than men?

Cultural expectations, traditional gender roles, and systemic inequality all play a part. Even as more women pursue careers and financial independence, many still manage the emotional and organizational aspects of home life, a legacy passed down through generations.

3. How does the mental load affect women’s health and relationships?

The mental load contributes to chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout. It can strain relationships, create resentment between partners, and impact both mental and physical well-being. Studies show that women are more than twice as likely as men to experience depression linked to stress and overwork.

4. Do default parents carry more of the mental load?

The short answer is yes. Default parents are typically responsible for appointments, scheduling, coordinating, family and household logistics. The mental load of shouldering this responsibility is immense.

5. How can women reduce the mental load?

Reducing the mental load starts with naming it. Open communication, equitable division of household tasks, and clear boundaries are key. Many families also find relief by hiring support—like a nanny or household manager—to share childcare and domestic responsibilities.

6. How can a nanny help lighten the mental load?

A qualified nanny can provide consistent childcare, manage daily routines, and even assist with household organization. This frees up mental space for parents—especially mothers—to rest, work, or simply breathe. At Hello, Nanny!, we help families find the right match to bring balance back home.

7. Can a family assistant help lighten the mental load?

Yes! A family assistant is a hybrid role that supports both the family and your childcare needs. They can do everything from supporting carpooling and school pickups to grocery runs and laundry duty.

8. Is the mental load unique to mothers?

While anyone can experience it, mothers disproportionately shoulder the burden due to societal norms and expectations around caregiving. However, the goal of naming who it affects isn’t blame, but ore about raising awareness and improving shared responsibility so everyone in a family can thrive.

9. What steps can partners take to share the mental load more fairly?

Start with a clear conversation. Tools like the Fair Play method or shared household management apps (like Maple or Fair Play Life) help visualize and redistribute invisible labor. Regular check-ins and empathy-driven communication ensure both partners feel seen and supported.