How to Set Grandparent Boundaries (Without the Guilt)

Have you ever heard these phrases from your child’s grandparent?

“I’m the grandma, I need to spoil them.”

“There’s no rules at Grandma’s!”

“Oh, I just can’t say no to them.”

You know these comments come from a place of love, but they can still leave parents feeling undermined—and kids feeling unsure about what actually applies when. So many parents feel the same way you do. 

Even in the best of relationships creating and maintaining grandparent boundaries can be difficult, especially when lines are continually crossed.

Nobody gets this conflict more than DeeDee Moore, founder of More Than Grand, a resource platform for grandparents and parents. Moore works with families to help set boundaries, maintain them, and communicate more effectively across generations. Her approach focuses on creating understanding and cooperation that strengthens family relationships rather than fracturing them.

Your boundaries matter—and so does the caregiver who upholds them. Connect with Hello Nanny! to get started.

The Benefits of a Strong Grandchild-Grandparent Relationship

Research consistently shows that children who have close relationships with their grandparents experience better emotional wellbeing, increased resilience, and stronger family connections. When grandchildren feel close to their grandparents they have fewer emotional and behavior problems and show more prosocial behavior toward their peers. 

So, what actually creates these strong bonds? 

According to Moore, it’s not what many grandparents think. 

She says, “It’s really the time spent. I think that a lot of grandparents are fed this story that our job is to spoil the child, right? That rules don’t matter, that we’re supposed to come in and be the fun one. But that really isn’t what creates a strong relationship.” 

Think about it: what do you remember most about your grandparents? Was it the toys they bought you? Or was it spending time baking cookies with grandma? Going to grandpa’s wood shop to watch him work? Going camping? Holidays? 

For most of us, it’s the latter. This perspective shift is important for both parents and grandparents to understand. 

Meaningful relationships (of any kind) are built on presence, attention, and genuine connection. 

Related: The Benefits of Having a Nanny

Why Grandparent Boundaries Matter

Understanding why boundaries matter can help both parents and grandparents approach these conversations with less defensiveness and more cooperation.

At the most fundamental level, Moore emphasizes that grandparents need to recognize their role: 

“The important thing is for grandparents to recognize that they are not the parents,” she says. “Their role is really dictated by the parents.”

This distinction might seem obvious, but it’s at the heart of many boundary conflicts. When grandparents see themselves as equal decision-makers in a child’s upbringing rather than supportive figures who respect parental authority, tension inevitably follows.

Boundaries also create emotional safety for children. “Especially for very young children, there’s safety in knowing how things are going to happen, and there’s security in understanding that this is the routine,” Moore explains. “Some kids need that way more than others, but for a small child especially, it’s important to have that security of knowing what the rules are wherever you go.”

Children are also remarkably perceptive about relationship dynamics between the adults in their lives. Kids can sense a tense relationship between parents and grandparents (more than you’d realize). 

When boundaries are crossed repeatedly, the resulting tension affects parents, of course, but it also creates confusion and stress for children caught in the middle. 

Clear boundaries between caregivers supports your child’s sense of security. 

Find a caregiver who aligns with your lifestyle and boundaries. Contact the Hello Nanny! team to get started. 

Signs of Grandparents Overstepping Boundaries

Recognizing when grandparents are overstepping can help you address issues before they become entrenched patterns. Here are some common signs to watch for:

Helicopter Grandparenting 

Moore has noticed a growing trend of what she calls “helicopter grandparenting.” This is when grandparents feel the unrealistic need to be involved in everything. This constant need to be included in every activity or decision can signal an unhealthy level of involvement.

It can look like this: 

• You post about something you did with your child on social media. And their grandparent comments, “Why wasn’t I invited?” 
• Your family is planning a vacation, and the grandparents invite themselves. Now, they want to be involved in planning. 
• You share that your child is going to start a sport soon. But, Grandma shares her opinions about it with your child and how she disapproves. 

Acting Like the Parent

When a grandparent’s role feels equal to yours as the parent, this can cause tension. This can be especially tricky when grandparents provide regular childcare, as these lines can become blurred. 

It can look like this: 

• While the grandparents are watching your child, they use a punishment you don’t agree with. 
• Your child gets in trouble in school, and they share consequences they believe should happen (without a request for their advice). 
• They believe unlimited screen time is fine at their house, even if you limit it at your house. 

Secret Keeping 

When grandparents regularly do things behind your back. Whether it’s giving treats you’ve asked them not to give, showing movies you don’t want your kids watching, or teaching them to keep small secrets. This is a clear sign that boundaries are being violated.

It can look like this: 

• The grandparent told your child not to tell you about a show they let them watch. 
• They took your child to do an activity you don’t want them to do (without your knowledge) 
• They fed your child a meal you don’t approve of, and told them not to tell you. 

Consistent Pushback

If you express a preference or rule and are met with arguments, eye rolls, dismissive comments, or simply being ignored, these are signs that your boundaries aren’t being respected. Respectful disagreement is one thing; consistent disregard for your parenting choices is another.

It can sound like: 

• “That’s how I raised you, and you turned out fine.”  
• “You know, I can’t help it.” 
• “No. Grandma’s house, Grandma’s rules.” 

Guilt-Tripping

Guilt-tripping is a common tactic to manipulate and eventually tempt you to cave. When this happens, you might feel like, “It’s not worth the fight.” They are attempts to make you doubt your judgement and abandon your boundaries. 

It can sound like: 

• “You’re too strict” 
• “Don’t you want them to have fun with us?” 
• “Your kids are missing out.” 

Related: The Default Parent Dilemma: Why Moms Carry the Maternal Mental Load (& How to Change It)

How to Set Grandparent Boundaries (Without Ruining the Relationship)

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be confrontational or relationship-damaging. Moore’s approach centers on understanding, clear communication, and finding common ground.

• Start with understanding their perspective. It’s important to take the time to understand the grandparents’ perspective. Find out what the grandparent is struggling with around that thing. Understanding their perspective turns boundary-setting from a one-sided demand into a collaborative problem-solving conversation. 
• Keep the conversation going. Make sure you have open, two-way street communication. A lot of tension and anxiety comes from not being able to talk about the issue. Keeping the conversation open makes you more equipped to and comfortable to speak about boundaries. 
• Have the conversation early. Timing matters significantly when it comes to setting boundaries. It’s never too late, but it does get harder the longer you wait. Conversations about boundaries can happen even while you’re pregnant. 

Clear and Respectful Conversation Starters for Grandparent Boundaries

Having scripts to pull from can make these difficult conversations feel more manageable. 

Here are some approaches for common boundary topics:

For food and feeding boundaries:

• Gentle approach: “We’ve been working with our pediatrician on [baby’s name]’s feeding schedule, and consistency really helps with their digestion and sleep. When you’re caring for them, would you be willing to follow the timing and foods we’ve outlined? I know it might seem overly structured, but it’s made such a difference for our family routine.”
• Firm approach: “We need to be clear about [baby’s name]’s food guidelines. Please don’t offer any foods that aren’t on the approved list we’ve provided. If you’re unsure about something, please check with us first. We are doing this to limit your relationship with them. This is purely about keeping them safe and healthy.”

For screen time boundaries:

• Gentle approach: “We’re trying to follow the pediatrician’s recommendations about screen time for [child’s name]’s age group. We know it can be challenging to entertain them without screens, so we’ve put together some activities they love [provide alternatives]. Would you be willing to try these instead when they’re with you?”
• For pushback: “We understand that screen time recommendations have changed a lot since you were parenting. The research on early childhood development has evolved, and we’re following current guidelines. We’re not criticizing how you raised us. We’re doing what experts recommend now.”

For sleep routine boundaries:

• Gentle approach: “[Child’s name] does best when we stick to their sleep routine, even during visits. I know it might mean less playtime, but consistency really helps their mood and development. Could we plan activities around their nap/bedtime schedule? I promise it makes visits more enjoyable for everyone when they’re well-rested.”
• For pushback: “We need to be clear about [child’s name]’s sleep routine. Please follow the sleep routine we have already established for [child’s name]. If you’re unsure about what to do, you can always let us know. Our sleep routine has nothing to do with limiting your relationship with them. Simply put: we know [child’s name] best and deeply understand what sleep routine works best for them.” 

For discipline boundaries:

• Gentle approach: “We’re using positive discipline techniques with [child’s name], which means we don’t use time-outs, physical punishment, or shaming. Instead, we [brief explanation of your approach]. It might take some getting used to, but we’d really appreciate your support in staying consistent with this approach.”
• For different philosophies: “We know discipline approaches have changed since you were parenting. We’re not saying your methods were wrong for their time. We’re following what child development experts recommend now. We need you to respect our approach, even if it’s different from what you used.”
• In the moment: “I’ve got this, Mom. You can go hang out in the kitchen if it’s hard for you to watch me handle it.”

Consistency creates security for children. Hello Nanny! will help you find a nanny or caregiver who honors your family’s values.

What to Do If Boundaries Continue to Be Crossed

When grandparents repeatedly ignore your boundaries despite your best communication efforts, it’s time to implement consequences. Moore makes an important distinction here.

“Recognizing the difference between rules and boundaries is key here. So if they’re continually breaking a rule, that’s one thing. But a boundary is if you break the rule, this is what’s going to happen,” she explains. 

“Just like with your kids, there have to be consequences for a boundary. And if that boundary keeps being broken, then you have to implement those consequences.”

What those consequences look like depends entirely on your family situation. And this can become uniquely challenging when you’re relying on grandparents for childcare. 

Moore advises, “You have the choice of finding other child care or you can continue to try to make them understand and there are ways to do that through counseling and using books to help facilitate effective conversation.”

For families struggling with this issue, Moore has created a resource specifically designed to help. Her ebook helps parents understand which boundaries are truly essential to them and provides guidance on how to help grandparents understand and respect those boundaries.

Extra note to remember: boundaries are also a two-way street. Grandparents are completely entitled to set their own boundaries too. 

Related: Nanny and Caregiver Burnout: 6 Ways to Avoid It & Practice Self Care

The Caregiver’s Role in Supporting Grandparent Boundaries

Caregivers and nannies occupy a unique position in your family, and they can play an important role in navigating grandparent boundaries. At the end of the day, all of this boundary-setting is about the children. And caregivers are often on the front lines of implementing and maintaining these boundaries in daily life.

“It’s important for them to recognize that this child has lots of people in their life who love them and that anything they can do to celebrate that and to foster strong relationships is really important,” Moore emphasizes.

As a caregiver, your primary responsibility is following the parents’ established boundaries consistently. This means honoring the same rules around food, screen time, discipline, and routines that parents have set (even when grandparents are present or visiting). Your consistency helps reinforce that these aren’t arbitrary rules but family standards that everyone follows.

But caregivers can do more than just follow rules. They can actively support healthy relationships. 

Here are a few ways: 

• Facilitating positive connections. As a caregiver, you can suggest sending photos or videos to grandparents during special moments, mention things the child might want to tell grandma or grandpa about later, or help children create drawings or crafts to share with their grandparents.

• Avoiding competition or comparison. Remember that you’re all part of the same team working toward the child’s wellbeing. Avoid positioning yourself as “better than” grandparents or making comments that could undermine the child’s relationship with their grandparents, even if you disagree with how grandparents handle certain situations.
• Communicating observations respectfully. If you notice patterns of boundary-crossing when grandparents are around, share these observations with parents in a factual, non-judgmental way. Your outside perspective can be valuable, but it’s not your role to manage the grandparent relationship directly.
• Modeling respectful communication. When you interact with grandparents, model the kind of respectful, collaborative communication that strengthens family bonds. Children learn as much from watching how adults treat each other as they do from direct instruction.

Healthy Boundaries = Stronger Relationships

When grandparents and parents are on the same page about boundaries, everyone wins. Especially the children. 

The truth is, there are no universal set of boundaries that every family needs. Every family is going to have different values, circumstances, and comfort levels. Creating alignment within your family dynamics is key. 

But here is the most important thing to understand: genuine connection will always be stronger than control and manipulation. The grandparents building the deepest, most meaningful relationships with their grandchildren aren’t the ones sneaking extra dessert or ignoring bedtimes. 

They’re the ones showing up, investing time, and showing respect for boundaries keeping children safe and secure. 

Grandparents and parents working together to build a strong relationship is a much stronger foundation than sugar cookies and broken rules ever could be. That foundation (built on trust, consistency, and connection) is what children will remember and carry with them. 

Set your whole family up for success with care that fits your specific lifestyle, budget and boundaries. Tell our team a little about your household and we’ll determine how best to support your search. 

How to Set Grandparent Boundaries FAQs

What are healthy grandparent boundaries, and why do they matter for families?

Healthy grandparent boundaries recognize that grandparents have a different role than parents in a child’s life. Moore explains that grandparents must recognize they are not in a parental role. Their role is dictated by the parents. These boundaries matter because they create consistency and security for children while reducing tension between adults.

How do you set boundaries with grandparents without damaging the relationship?

Start by understanding the grandparent’s perspective before establishing a boundary. Find out what the grandparent is struggling with around that particular thing. Screen time, food, etc. Keep open, continual conversations going where both sides feel heard. A lot of anxiety comes from not being able to talk about it. 

Are there any boundaries that grandparents should have?

Absolutely. Grandparents are completely entitled to boundaries too. Moore shares a personal example: “My grandkids aren’t allowed to jump on or take the cushions off my couch. They’re allowed to do this at their house, but they know it can’t happen at Grandmas.” Boundaries go both ways. 

When is the best time to set boundaries with grandparents? Is it ever too late?

“It’s never too late,” Moore reassures, “but it gets harder as time goes on.” The ideal time is as early as possible, even before the baby is born. Starting early creates a foundation for ongoing communication as parenting priorities evolve.