They say not all heroes wear capes and no one proves that more than default parents. These capeless heroes are the first ones to rearrange their schedules to care for a sick child, juggle scheduling summer camps, after-school activities and school holidays, and take on prepping and shopping for snacks and meals. In short, default parents—historically, mothers—carry the emotional and mental load of their family’s childcare responsibilities. And, default parents do it all without being asked or prompted. As Lauren A. Tetenbaum, LCSW, JD, PMH-C states, “if you’re the default parent, you know.”
And while default parenting has taken social media by storm in recent years (just look at the thousands of TikTok videos all about the realities of default parenting), the concept is nothing new. Here we’ll discuss what default parents actually do (hint: it’s a lot!), why moms are typically default parents, and if you’re the default parent, strategies you can employ to create a more equitable parenting partnership.
What is a default parent?
Tetenbaum, a social worker specializing in women’s mental health, defines a default parent as, “someone who is assumed to be primarily responsible for the caregiver- and child-related tasks. They’re the ones getting the calls from the school first, packing up the diaper bag, on the Facebook groups doing all the research on the latest strollers or local childcare options.”
As the primary caregiver who takes on the lion’s share of familial responsibility, default parents are tired. Not only is the job physical, but the mental and emotional load of assuming this responsibility takes a toll. The result? “If you have a partner, you may become resentful of them,” says Tetenbaum.
What default parents do
Whether default parents are full-time caregivers or work outside the home, their role as default parent is unpaid, underappreciated and unfair, says Tetenbaum. It doesn’t matter whether the default parent outearns their co-parent—being a default parent means navigating a wide range of responsibilities and doing it without being asked. While responsibilities vary from family to family, here are some tasks the default parent may be shouldered with:
- Cleaning out the baby’s drawers to make room for new clothes that actually fit
- Ordering new clothes and comparing prices across retailers
- Cleaning out backpacks and ensuring all worksheets and library books are returned on time
- Ensuring there’s food in the fridge for the week’s snacks and lunches
- Navigating a child’s activities or childcare during school holidays
- Keeping track of and researching summer camp sign ups and coordinating with other default parents to coordinate sign ups
- Scheduling and taking children to doctor and dentist appointments
- Providing camps, schools and daycares with all completed medical forms and medication
- Responding to birthday party invites and shopping for and wrapping presents in advance
- Cleaning lunchboxes, baby bottles and pacifiers
- Remembering and coordinating all special days at school (Valentine’s Day cards, PJ day, wacky sock day, etc.)
- Transporting children to after-school sports and activities
The above list is just a snapshot of what a default parent might do on any given day. Tetenbaum says that, “for the default parent, it’s not just doing the task, but thinking about the task. In my work as a therapist, we call this bearing the maternal mental load.”
Moms as default parents and the rise of default parent resentment
“Usually moms in heteronormative couples are the default parent, though I hope this will change soon,” says Tetenbaum. In fact, studies from 2006 and 2010 show that mothers are more likely to have the role of primary parent, with a 2000 study revealing that mothers still do twice as much childcare as fathers.
Moms as default parents is not a new concept. Societal expectations and gender norms have contributed to mothers assuming the default parent role for centuries. While we can’t discount the fathers in heteronormative couples who are the default parent, it’s safe to say that in 2025 the majority of default parenting falls to mothers.
The result of moms as default parents is much more than just a TikTok trend. Default parent resentment can grow and fester in even the most solid partnerships. At her counseling practice Tetenbaum says that she works with many moms who feel overstimulated by the constant ping of texts from the group chats (which they have to be on to learn about any carpool hiccups for example) or meetings interrupted by the school nurse calling. As a mom of two even she feels this telling us, “Even though my spouse is very much a feminist and hands-on father who believes in gender equity, I often feel this.”
Default parents often feel undervalued, which can lead to resentment of their co-parent. The time and energy they spend on all the caregiving tasks can lead to irritability and poor mental and physical health since they’re often taking care of others before taking care of themselves, states Tetenbaum.
How to stop being the default parent: Strategies for a more equitable partnership
Being the default parent is exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and can lead to resentment. So, where do we go from here?
Help is always an option because we are not meant to parent alone, states Tetenbaum. Communicating with your co-parent and being up front about the stress and resentment you may be feeling should be a priority. Whether you’re the default parent or your partner is and you want to change your circumstance, here are a few strategies to consider:
Practice equity before the baby even arrives
Becoming a default parent doesn’t happen overnight or start even after baby is born. Tetenbaum reveals that gender inequities often start from the beginning. It’s usually women who research the pediatrician, daycares and best bottles, cribs and car seats. But, why can’t dads step up before the baby is born to help with these tasks? Getting involved at the very beginning will set the tone and expectation for a more equitable partnership. Of course, Tetenbaum says that blame cannot be cast solely on dads because we’ve all been socially conditioned to take on gender roles in this way. But, now that we’re aware of them, there’s opportunity to change the narrative.
Systems need to better respect moms time
As a default parent, how many times have you received the call or email from the school nurse? For many mothers, this is the norm, but it doesn’t have to be. Systems need to better respect a moms’ time. Schools or daycare don’t always need to call the mother first. And, it’s ok to gently remind them of this. Every institution around childcare needs to engage in some reflection on how to promote gender equity.
We need actual infrastructure to support mothers
Speaking of systems, the United States is sorely lacking in infrastructure to support a mother’s ability to truly thrive. Tetenbaum calls out that U.S. women are made to be the default from the moment they have the baby. Usually dads don’t (or don’t feel comfortable taking) parental leave, which creates gender inequities from the beginning. Of course, moms are not born with innate bathing-baby or diaper-bag-packing skills, they just get “better” at it because they have more opportunities to practice.
To set mothers up for success we need true maternal healthcare, comprehensive parental leave and childcare programs that actually make sense for American families. To advocate for change, consider checking out and getting involved with Chamber of Mothers.
Provide default parents with support and tools
If a default parent is feeling stressed or spread thin, help is available. Help can be in the form of a partner or co-parent taking on more of the child-related work, paid help like a babysitter or nanny, and/or a therapist if the default parent needs an opportunity to process emotions and develop healthy coping tools to navigate stress.
Those tools can include strategies related to setting boundaries and better communicating one’s needs. Everyone deserves support during tough times, and every parent deserves support, always. Asking for help and getting the support you need is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.
Delegation and open communication
Getting support in whatever form you need it is crucial for a healthy partnership and fulfilling motherhood, says Tetenbaum. Delegating tasks is important but she tells us to be cautious about maintaining the mental load while someone else simply completes the task (because that load is still really heavy!). If you’re the default parent, talk to your partner and others about what you need, what you prefer (maybe you enjoy folding laundry but dislike doing the dishes), and what might be different week-by-week depending on your schedule (perhaps, hiring a part-time family assistant would alleviate the maternal mental load). Try to be as specific as possible when you talk with your partner.
Open communication is key and no default parent should feel guilty for needing a break or asking for additional support, even if they do not have another job for pay.
Hello Nanny! Takeaways about default parenting
Default parenting burnout is real and Hello Nanny! is committed to helping parents—especially default parents—not just survive, but thrive. We understand how overwhelming (and stigmatizing) it can be to recognize the need for help, let alone ask for it. But taking that first step can lighten the mental load of parenting in profound ways. Seeking support—whether from a nanny, family assistant, or household manager—is not a sign of weakness but of strength. In fact, getting help can be a total game-changer, providing you with the peace of mind you need to be your best self, whether at work or at home. You may be the default parent now, but that doesn’t mean you always have to be.
