It’s no secret that moms often take on the majority of parenting and household responsibilities. In fact, a 2023 survey revealed that 47% of moms handle household chores and responsibilities most of the time, while 12% noted that they handle these tasks in their entirety with no help from their partner or spouse. Whether it’s keeping track of doctor’s appointments, school forms, meal planning, or remembering which kid needs to wear pajamas for Spirit Day, the mental, physical, and emotional load of parenting can be a burden for the default parent, aka mothers.
But here’s the thing: fair parenting isn’t about splitting everything 50/50. It’s about working as a team in a way that plays to each partner’s strengths and makes sense for your unique family unit. And like any team, change starts with a clear conversation about roles, responsibilities, and expectations.
Before you sit down with your spouse or partner, let’s start with some mindset prep to set you up for success.
Adopting a New Parenting Mindset
Step 1: Know What Roles You Want to Own
Before having the conversation about who is responsible for what and when, get clear on what matters most to you. Not everything needs to be split equally. In fact, you may actually enjoy doing (or care more about) some things more than others.
Start by asking yourself:
- What do I genuinely enjoy taking charge of?
- What tasks are draining me and could be shared or delegated?
- What feels fair to me, considering our work and life balance?
Remember that your conversation isn’t about demanding equal division,it’s about intentional division.
Step 2: Let Go of Perfection (and the Myth of Balance)
If you’re waiting for a perfectly balanced partnership where everything is always fair and smooth, you’ll be waiting forever. The truth is that life isn’t balanced and parenting isn’t balanced. Some seasons will be heavier on one parent than the other, and that’s okay.
What’s not okay?
- Carrying all the invisible labor without acknowledging it.
- Feeling resentment builds while staying silent.
So, instead of chasing perfect balance, aim for clarity and teamwork.
Step 3: Take Notes from Your Partner or Spouse’s Playbook
Reality check:
- 55% of dads are still the primary breadwinners, which can influence their mindset on household roles and responsibilities.
- What feels urgent to you (clean countertops, folded laundry) may not even register on their radar. That’s not a flaw—it’s just a different perspective on priorities
So, how do we shift the dynamic? Frederick Van Riper, coach and consultant at Seat at the Table, tells us that “Most dads want to show up, but without clear expectations, we default to what we know. Fair parenting and partnering starts with real conversations—not assumptions—so both partners feel supported, not sidelined.”
The Sports Analogy That Changed Everything in My Marriage
In a couples session, my husband once told me he thought he was doing everything at home. I nearly fell out of my chair. Then, our therapist used the best analogy: I’m Draymond Green, and he’s Steph Curry in our relationship. For those non-NBA or Warriors fans, both players bring something special and a very different skill set to the court every day. They make a great team because of how they play to each other’s strengths (and weaknesses).
In fact, neither player is better than the other. But without both of them, the team doesn’t win. That analogy clicked for him immediately. We both play critical roles, just in different and equally important ways. And that’s exactly how a fair parenting conversation should feel: collaborative, not combative.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Fair Parenting
Now that you’ve clarified your goals and expectations, it’s time to have the conversation. Here are five powerful conversation starters to get your partner on board without it turning into a fight.
Conversation Starter #1: “Let’s Talk Through Some Household Tasks and See How We Can Streamline”
If you’ve read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, you know she sat her husband down with a spreadsheet of household tasks. But here’s something to consider:
Only 30% of the population are auditory learners. Your partner might not fully grasp the invisible work you do until they see it laid out.
Why this works:
- This frames the conversation in a business-like way that feels practical, not emotional.
- It shows you’re prepared and open to solutions, not just venting frustration.
Conversation Starter #2: “I’d Like Us to Work More Like a Team on the Homefront—Can We Talk?”
Starting with “team” immediately puts this into a sports mindset, which helps partners shift out of defense mode.
Ask: What’s one thing that feels like a heavy lift for you at home? Here’s what’s feeling heavy for me…
Why this works:
- It opens the door for them to share their struggles, too, making it a two-way conversation.
- It reinforces the team mentality—not “who does more,” but how can we work together better?
Conversation Starter #3: “Can We Get a Bi-Weekly or Weekly Home Business Sync on the Books?”
Why this works: It sounds like a strategy meeting, not a complaint session. Framing it this way shows that this is an ongoing conversation and you’ll both be committed to making changes to truly make this work. Even a 15-20 minutes weekly chat can prevent resentment buildup and stress.
Conversation Starter #4: “What’s One Thing That Would Make Your Home Life Easier?”
Instead of leading with a list of your frustrations, start with how your partner feels. Maybe they’re overwhelmed with a certain responsibility, and you could swap tasks. Maybe small changes (like ordering groceries instead of shopping in-store) would make a huge difference for both of you.
Why this works:
- It creates collaboration instead of assigning blame.
- It helps your partner feel heard, too, making them more open to shifting responsibilities.
Conversation Starter #5: “What’s One Task You’d Actually Like to Own 100% of the Time?”
Instead of splitting every task, see if there are things your partner actually enjoys doing and is willing to fully own. Maybe they love cooking on weekends. Great! That means you never have to think about it. Maybe they prefer handling bills and finances—fantastic, off your plate!
Why this works:
It removes the constant reminders and mental load from your plate.
People take more pride in responsibilities they fully own instead of just “helping.”
Final Thoughts: The Goal Isn’t Balance—It’s Clarity & Teamwork
There’s no perfect system for splitting parenting and household responsibilities. But there is a better way to do it, and it starts with an honest conversation, clear expectations, and teamwork.
So, take 10 minutes today to start the conversation with your partner. When both parents feel seen, supported, and clear on their roles, the whole family wins.
Want More?
If this resonates, check out:
🎙MomShine Resources & Podcast: Covering Turning Chaos Into Calm, Women’s Health Tips That Work, and More!
📖 Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (for deeper insights into household roles as you juggle family life)
